Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The New Math

My kids and I invented a fun and educational new game we call Child Abuse Math. It's totally sick and they love it! It started with me holding Kira's hand and telling her that she had to tell me what three times two was.  I wouldn't let go until she told me. She told me that if she gave the wrong answer I had to squeeze harder. (SHE told ME that)

She gave the wrong answer, I squeezed harder, she flinched and laughed and laughed and then gave the right answer. Sam heard the fun and wanted in on it. He literally shoved his skinny little forearm into my fist and said, "Give me one!" So I asked him to tell me what three cubed is. He said nine, I squeezed, both kids squealed with glee and pain and then he gave me the right answer.

Then I started making up word problems like, "If you have 28 teeth, and I give you a roundhouse kick to the face that knocks out 9, how many teeth do you have left?" They were in hysterics. What is wrong with these children! Then I asked Kira, "If you have 32 liters of blood, and I beat 8 liters out of you, how many liters of blood do you have left?" I thought she was going to pee her pants she was laughing so hard! I think I've stumbled onto something big here!

Monday, January 5, 2009


Tomorrow is my last day of semi-full time work. The district has to replace me because unfortunately, the teacher is way sicker than she originally thought, and a long-term sub is needed and I am not licensed to do it.  I have a middle school/high school license and an elementary license is required to do the job properly, apparently (cat sound). They tell me that long term subbing is the same as having the job full time and you have to be licensed in the proper area to do it.

I was prepared to do the job for the next three months because I really like the kids and the staff and the school, but I have to admit, when I was told about the license glitch, I was secretly happy. Turns out I don't particularly care for full-time employment. (Sorry Mitch) I don't want all the responsibility of being a real teacher without the contract and the pay. It's kind of like the difference between raising your own child and babysitting. When you're babysitting you're constantly thinking, "Please god, don't let these little bastards get hurt on my watch," and "When will this be over?"

And I'm too immature for a job with children anyway. Today in the reading book we turned the page and there was a poem called "Summer Hummers" and right there at the front of the class, I could barely stifle a giggle. (Plus, a good teacher would have previewed the pages before the lesson and been prepared for seeing a haiku about BJs. )(It was actually a poem about BEES.) (Yeah, I don't get it either.)(Wow, that's a lot of parentheses.)

So after tomorrow, when I'll be training in the teacher who is replacing me because she is qualified, and I am not (again, cat sound), I will have more time to sleep in, tend my facebook farm, shop, and most importantly, blog.