Tuesday, September 22, 2009

This post is rated "R" for language

It's one of those days when profanity just rolls off the tongue. The F-bomb is inserted into my every thought, and, I'm afraid to say, too many of my sentences. At first it was just one of those swear-a-lot days that we all have, but as the day started getting bad, I found myself having to really think before I spoke.

For example, when I was at work today, subbing for a fifth grade teacher, and one of the boys thought he'd be really funny and SNEEZE on the back of another kid's neck ON PURPOSE I wanted to say, "Hey kid, what the fuck is wrong with you? Ever hear of the swine fucking flu?"

But I didn't say that. I had to literally bite my tongue to stop myself. I spared an entire class of ten year olds from a barrage of profanity laced vitriol and simply said. "Gross. You: go wash your neck off. You: sit down and don't get up again unless the building starts on fire."

Now that's self control.

The only bad part was that about fifteen minutes after I said that, the building actually did start on fire. I'm not even kidding. There are contractors working on it and one of them was soldering and started a small, totally manageable fire, but the super-sensitive brand new fire alarm system picked up on it and went nuts and we had to "go calmly and quietly to the nearest exit!" That's what I said, but I wanted to say, "WELL? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! THE FUCKING BUILDING IS ON FIRE!"

Then I came home and saw that my gorgeous husband shaved off the beard that I meticulously cultivate because I love it, and I said, "What the fuck happened to your face?" Just so you know, that is not the way a spouse likes to be greeted.

Then I came in the house and discovered, via email, that the teacher re-licensure committee, that only meets once a month, and that has to okay all my brand new college credits and work/volunteer hours to update my teaching license met today, BUT they didn't have the packet of information that took me a WEEK to meticulously gather and that I put in the hand of the chairperson of the committee two weeks ago. They just didn't have it. They don't know what happened. Now I have to gather all the stuff AGAIN and wait another month for them to meet and FUCK IT UP again.

I love bureaucracy.

When I took a course in linguistics last year we had a linguistics problem that was this: Analyze the following sentence. Note that when buffalo is used as a verb, it means "intimidate."

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo bufallo buffalo buffalo.

Which means basically Buffalo from Buffalo intimidate other buffalo from Buffalo who intimidate other buffalo.  

"What the fuck are you talking about?" you say? The point is that it is possible to use one word, even the stupid fucking word "buffalo," as almost every part of speech. I think the f-word is a much better word for using as every single part of speech. I obviously like it most as an adjective.

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